Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A Younger Me

Today, my mom handed me pictures of a younger me. When I looked at the photos, I saw someone whose eyes are round with innocence, nose tender and petite, lips in need of nourishment, face not shaped by puberty, cheeks squeezable, and skin airbrushed to a smooth soft texture. That child was nice and happy, always eager to meet someone new and make a new friends. He was outspoken at most times but with the ability to be quite when needed. He was loved. He was the type of person that everyone wanted to compare themselves to because his stance, his demeanor, was something to admire and want. His smile was genuine and inviting. He wasn't insecure around others, and felt no need to make comparisons but be happy with what he had because that was all he had. His mind was pure and only saw things for what they were, everything was simple and everything was easy to understand. He knew what he was and was proud because he hadn't felt harsh judgment and cruel words due to others insecurities. His favorite color was blue which showed on his clothes. He had a plan for the future, to be rich, to love another, and have a family of his own.

That's what appeared on that photo, which can only say so much. That photo showed history not reality.

Now, that kid grew up. He grew up into someone who barely cared for others (except friends :) ) opinions, frustrations, and expressions. Could care less to make an introduction of himself because would not be interested in the people he meet. His smile grew crooked and a way to tell people "keep it moving". He became angry and sad. His heart held pain and had no room for love. He likes the rain, the sound of only the droplets falling, splashing in a steady rhythm and cool wind caressing his face as he enjoyed the peaceful, lonely surrounding. He laughed at others pain and enjoyed the bitter taste of it. Blue changed into black. He told the world fuck you for the lies that was fed at a young age; and wished that it would have told him the truth from the beginning. His plan to become rich is motivated by greed than, a once, ambition. To love another became to love 'one'-other, to give himself to that one person, every smile and every tear would be shared with that one person and everyone one else would be kept out. His perfect family became a dream of itself, he couldn't share the joy of having children with his significant other because the woman of his dream is changing to the man of his life. The animalistic urge for a woman's gentle touch, sweet scent, high intoxicating voice was a mirage and actually was the desire for a man's rough hands to roam his body, a man's musk to drown him in perfume, and deep voice to make him feel safe. His future days would be spent not raising 3 (my fav. #) children but resting his head on his lovers muscular chest, lips enjoying the salty taste of the other persons skin, and their legs entwined holding on to each other.

Would the younger me like who he became? Would he have expected the changes that came with him in the future? Would he wished time stayed still and he lived forever in the happy world he knows?

My head tells me that I should be happy with who I am now and not try to devolve myself to a gullible minor; but my heart begs to be that little kid again, and ignorant to the brutal world he really lives in.

(I need to write more happy stuff because all of this is really getting to me)


  1. I still do think about this from time to time

  2. U actually seem like a very different person even if I just compare this post to the previous one! N yes...that's in my mind as well!

    The innocence of a child....once lost, it's never found!

  3. Damion we have all been there and it was a special time - the changes and discovery of your sexuality can be quite a shock - but believe me you are still going to have some wonderful times and experiences a head of you.
    The road won't always be easy but there are many good things waiting for you.
    Regards Stef

  4. Life is all about change, whether you like it or not. It seems like every 10yrs there is a new reality. But this should be viewed as opportunity, not loss. When computers and the Internet age came along when I was in my 30's, I learned how to type properly and learned computer skills; I didn't run away from it. You will always be learning your whole life. Don't be too quick to lament not having a wife and three kids; half of all marriages end in divorce with the ex husband stuck with alimony and child support; feel like flipping a coin? Many married guys resent their loss of freedom and being shackled to financial obligations and a job they hate. Homosexuals have a measure of freedom that many heterosexual guys do not. A lot of women are insanely jealous and protective of their relationships with men and keep a short leash. Many homosexual couples adopt kids or have them via surrogate mothers. Also your gay friends are part of your 'family'.
    -Use your natural wit and charm and always accept other people as good until proven otherwise. If someone disses you, put the guilt trip on them, say 'I'm sorry you feel that way' for example. Be logical and rational in your decisions to insure a measure of happiness in your life. We all get the blues now and then, so when that happens get into some activities with friends or go outside into nature and exercise. Always do things to improve yourself and always think for yourself. bfn - Wayne :)

  5. The one you want to be, is the one you can be. The choice is yours. Always has been. Always will be.

  6. That inner child is still there, kid.... he's wounded and needs your help to survive... Don't let the cruel circumstances of life destroy him... He/You are a precious gift from God. Noone but you can take that away. You have every right to your happiness and to express your love without the judgement of others.
    Someday, I hope that your parents will understand what they are missing... In the meantime, open your heart to the possibility of love, and start to defeat the darkness... I love you, kid... tman<3

  7. Haven't heard from you in a while! Hope things are cool!

  8. please write more